Sometimes I have a hard time finding what to say. It’s just easier for you to see how I feel. I know when I’m like this no one wants to be around me and no one wants to talk to me. That’s ok. I get it. I’m Debbie Downer. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to write it out. Writing is an outlet. I’ve always been a realist, and this is as real as it gets.

People want to know my triggers and it’s pretty simple. It’s the feeling that the world around you is crashing. This time it happened to be work, life, and dealing with the finance around Dirk’s final expenses. So what’s going through my mind right now?

  1. Here we go, again. I won’t give too many details, but I’ve been here before, and I know how it ends. Part of me wants to believe his time will be different. The other part of me is asking what’s wrong with you?
  2. I know that I’m fat and not pretty. I don’t heed the alterations lady to point that out. And why on Earth is it $25 to hem a skirt? That’s ridiculous.
  3. Maybe it’s the weather.
  4. I broke down again over Dirk. I miss my little buddy. His urn came today. He’s next to me on the bedside table. I wish he was here to cuddle with, but he’s not. I don’t know why I’m still grieving. That seems childish, but maybe it’s not.
  5. We got the final checks from the pet insurance. I’m thankful we had it, but in the last year, they barely covered Dirk’s illnesses, so while we work to get out of debt, mourn the loss of my best friend, we’re left with more than $5K in medical expenses for him.
  6. I know I’m fat, and I have zero motivation to do anything about it.
  7. We want to do things but every dime we have goes to bills. We’re trying to pay credit cards off. don’t know how people do it. We’re lucky we don’t have as much as some but still. l’d like to do some things and see some places.
  8. I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t like taking meds, but I don’t like feeling like this.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Categories: Life


Alyson · April 9, 2018 at 8:06 pm

Thank you for sharing. So many of us are in similar situations but don’t know it because no one wants to talk about it. That’s why it’s important that you did. There is comfort in relating instead of hiding. 💛

Marshall Ramsey · April 9, 2018 at 8:31 pm

It’s tough when your brain lies to you. If you had cancer, you could rally. But when it is the very part of your body that creates your perception — well, it’s crippling. I get it. I’m sorry. Fighting is exhausting. But it’s a fight that is worth it. Don’t allow someone else to define your beauty. You’re one of the coolest people around and in a world full of uncool people, that’s true beauty.

Hang in there.

Rose · April 9, 2018 at 10:26 pm

Sweet Cassie,

I know how you feel and I’m sorry you’re going through this tough time. It’s NOT childish to feel the very real grief of losing Dirk. Please take your time & be gentle with yourself. I do take meds for depression and even then, when life hits me with a one-two punch, it’s still hard to keep my head in the game. The best advice I’ve heard is to treat yourself like you would your best friend. I know you wouldn’t call your best friend fat, would you? I wish I could give you a big hug but until I see you again in person, please know I’m thinking about you and sending love your way. Hang in there sister, you’re an amazing & talented young woman!
Rose ❤️

sherry stewart · April 9, 2018 at 10:53 pm

i relate to what you´ve said and recognize a kindred spirit. sometimes it feels like treading pudding; other times i make it through without breaking a sweat. i´ve known you a long time, and even through the tough spots i know you have a pocket full of resiliency…but my telling you this doesn´t make the tough spots any easier. it´s also harder when it´s compounded by grief. much love from a plus-size, science-teaching eeyore…

Janette · April 10, 2018 at 3:46 am

Thank you for sharing this with us. Your courage is contagious. If you’re not seeing a therapist, please do. It’s the best thing you can do to take care of yourself. I struggle with depression as well. I have been much worst than I’m today and have found (many will tell you) that Medication. Exercise. Therapy. is the best combination to depression. Depression lies to you and makes you think no one wants to be around you. Dont listen!
Forgive yourself for not being at peace. Be patient with yourself. You will get better. 💕

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